No Blurred Line

There are lines.

Not fuzzy lines. Not areas of grey.

Lines.

There is a responsibility inherent in being a part of the gender responsible for the vast majority of violence, domination, and rape.

I'm not saying that every man needs to accept responsibility for these things, but he must be aware of being unavoidably painted with the same broad brush. By not acting appropriately, he will make himself part of the problem that he might indignantly claim he has nothing to do with.

There was a recent incident where a man ran up to a female reporter on camera, planted a big kiss on her cheek, and ran off. She later filed a police report, and was soon contacted by a very contrite fellow claiming responsibility and who made a heartfelt apology. She is getting slammed for over-reacting. Interestingly, all she did was react. The man who “acted” inappropriately in the first place is not facing anywhere near the same condemnation. If he had not acted, she need not have reacted.

He kissed her on camera. What if he had approached her in a dark alley? How about on a quiet trail in a sunlit park? What if it wasn't a kiss, but he had grabbed her boob? What if it wasn't a boob grab, or kiss, but rather a bear hug from behind followed by a humping action? What if it was a bear hug, followed by a body slam to the ground similar to what actor Emile Hirsch did recently to a female film executive at a Hollywood party?

The solution is quite simple. There needs to be a line, and the line is called assault. It is the act of intentionally putting another person in fear of an imminent harmful, or offensive contact. In law, touching another person in a way they don't want is usually taken as a clear indication that an assault has occurred.

For a man to touch a woman, in ANY unwanted way, is unacceptable. Period. Full stop. No ands. No ifs. No buts.

To do so and then argue that it meant nothing is to be an idiot.

There is no way of knowing the history and experiences of any person you have assaulted.

Touching a stranger is incredibly stupid for any man to do. What if that woman is being physically abused at home, and you walk up and grab her shoulder? Were you unaware that such a thing could be possible? Are you surprised to feel her spasm of terror? What if that woman that you've run up behind and playfully kissed has been a victim of rape? What if it's happened to her more than once? How dare you make her feel that again?

There are lines.

You do not wantonly touch. You do not grab. You just do not. Ever.

And when you do touch, and it creates a reaction, you always back away and apologize. It was your horrid mistake. You were an ass. She is not over-reacting. She is reacting to what you never should have done. It is your fault. It is your error. Own it, and if others criticize her, you must defend her. You crossed the line, and everything that happened because of it is a product solely of your behaviour.

Do not whine that this is all so unfair. It is what it is.

If you are in a room of with a dozen men, and everybody is talking about how fed up they are for being held responsible for rape in our culture try applying a few statistics.

Studies show that between 20 and 25% of American men self-report that they have committed sexual assault, and 5 to 8% have self-reported having attempted or committed rape. Likely the actual figures are higher.

Of the those same dozen men claiming innocence, three have committed sexual assault, and one is a rapist.

Walking across a university campus, or in a mall, or in a park, every 12^th guy you pass is a rapist.

The problem is huge, and it isn't enough for any man to claim they aren't part of the problem. They need to accept the fact that the problem is there, and that it is large enough that there is no possible way to avoid the label.

You do not touch.

You are a walking threat, especially to the shockingly large percentage of women who have been damaged by some piece-of-crap man. That isn't your fault, but it is your burden. Your very existence is a challenge for some. Don't make it worse.

Women have to learn to cope with all of this whatever their history.

I am involved with martial arts. Our instructor runs a wonderful self-defence course for women. He runs across women all the time who want to learn to protect themselves, but who are clearly uncomfortable when he is anywhere near them. They can work with other women, but will never be able to train with men, ever.

The gym has a popular exercise program. It is female-only for a couple of hours, and then open for everybody. During the time for women, there are a lot of ladies present, and they leave when the men start to arrive.

This is just how it is. It has nothing to do with how great a particular guy is, or how safe. It has to do with potential threat.

Statistically, Black Bears are safer for me to encounter, than men are for women. Far less than 1% of bears have harmed people in any way whatsoever.

When on a run, if I encounter a bear, I become wary. I notice them, and modify my behaviour. Why?

Usually they lumber away as soon as they see me. Rarely, they hold their ground. Never have they approached me in any way whatsoever.

The reason that I become cautious is that they could destroy me if they so chose.

I feel uncomfortable around pitbulls for the same reason. It doesn't matter to me how nice a particular dog might be, or how reassuring their owner is trying to be. I don't trust dogs in general, or dog owners for that matter, and if a pitbull were to decide to rip me up he is quite able to do so. I am wary around them.

If either a pitbull or a bear were to run up and touch me in any way, I fully plan on having a significant reaction. If you think it is an over-reaction, then you can just go to hell. Whatever my reaction, it was the bloody animal that caused it.

If I run up and touch a woman, and she reacts in a way that I interpret as an over-reaction, it is my fault, and I can just go to hell, too.

My fault. Totally.

No blurred lines. No grey area.

A line, clear and visible, that every idiot should be able to understand.

No Unwanted Touch.

Ever.