Busted Flow

Back in the early fall, I was flowing. I had three stripes on my Blue Belt, and was thinking ahead to my Purple Belt exam. All I knew about it was that they would be looking to see not only my skill, but also my comfort when rolling.

So I rolled a lot, with everybody. I didn't want to commit the crime of getting stuck in any position, and so was flowing. This means trying things, and if they are countered to let them go and rapidly transition to something else. During a flow, a lot happens, and it happens quickly. It is very much like two wrestlers, who are also performing a cooperative dance. It is also wicked fun.

We are a small school, and all of my partners were magnificent at flowing with me. They pushed me with speed, fluidity, and technique.

We rolled through the fall, and I received my fourth stripe, and we rolled on into winter. I think I was improving in exactly what I wanted to present at my upcoming exam.

In February, I was with the Gracies down in Los Angeles. On the day that was the most devoted to my examination, they had me roll with Rener Gracie himself, and then an assortment of chosen partners. I rolled as I had been doing at home.

I passed, and received my Purple Belt.

A weird thing happened when back on my home mat again. My regular training partners, that I'd spent all the preceding months flowing with, seemed to treat me differently. They pushed, as if it mattered if they got a submission on me, or I on them. I think subconsciously they were testing to see if I were magically different; somehow better.

I pushed back, as if every submission they got on me mattered, or that I got on them. I pushed back, hard. We didn't flow. It didn't return to what it had been before during subsequent classes either, at least not like it had been. I got stuck in the new mode. It was my fault.

There were exceptions, of course. Tawha continues to roll with me like some kind of angry, laughing eel. With Tobias, the rolls are often mostly flow and experimentation. Scott usually doesn't seem to care much what happens, as long as it's interesting. In general, however, I was pushing harder, and giving less back. I'm sure I was often an ass.

I used to love getting caught in crappy positions, and to merrily try and slip out, and happy to tap out when I couldn't.

Now, our main instructor is home. I have always rolled tight when with him. It's as if I have to perform well when with him, and so perform worse. With my flow all screwed up, it's worse than ever before.

In general, my flow is gone, or at least it has become hard to find.

I think I need to give my peers a code word, that when spoken means I have to let go of whatever I'm doing, and to immediately transition to something else.

Maybe I can regain it by myself by not allowing myself to get any submissions at all. They can't matter to me if they aren't there. Perhaps the key is tap anytime a partner gets anywhere near to having a submission on me. I can't get locked into defending something if I have to immediately tap.

Or maybe the flow will return all on its own.