Alicia Keys

The projected 2016 gross revenue of the US cosmetics industry is $62.46 billion dollars. That works out to about $385 for every female human being in that entire country. If it is assumed that about 1/4 don't use any (babies, little kids, crazed hippies, and the elderly), it is more like $514 per consumer.

As, of course, there will be many women than that who don't use any, or who spend significantly less money, it means that a great many women are paying a great deal more for their greasepaint.

Most men say that they are not attracted to women who wear makeup, and get scolded by wearers whenever they say this. These women typically respond that they do not wear cosmetics for that reason, but that they do it for themselves (whatever that means).

Recently, Alicia Keys attended some big la-dee-dah gala even sans makeup, and it was immediately noticed by the media and greatly commented on, mostly negatively. How dare this celebrity walk a red carpet without her face being painted up like Kewpie doll? To many others she's being hailed as a hero for her courageous act. Courageous? For not caking up her face?

Something is clearly all ass backwards.

I am lucky in that I live in Canada, where makeup is less of a thing. It is still around, just not as much. The vast majority of women I see on a daily basis are not wearing much if any makeup. Some wear it, but certainly not all.

However, even here, there is something wrong.

It isn't just a fun and perky thing to do.

I have known women who never, ever go out in public without full makeup. I don't mean they choose this, but it seems to have chosen them. They refuse to be seen without makeup. If they had none available, they would hide in their homes, likely with the blinds drawn. Some of them, I have never seen without makeup.

Even our language is somehow twisted. Media stories supportive of Alicia Keys stand say she is, “beautiful even without makeup.”

Really? If you are beautiful, then by definition you are beautiful without makeup, and likely beautiful with it except greasier. Why would it be a shock that a beautiful woman would be beautiful without cosmetics?

If I were to wear some kind of mask that made me look like a real hunk from a distance, would that mean I was a handsome guy? The response would be more along the lines of, “Hey, Quasimodo, cool mask you've got there.” Nobody would confuse the mask with me.

This is all pretty sad, as makeup likely is a fun thing for many, many women. Let's say somebody shows up at work with no makeup; fine. Let's say she wears bright red lipstick; fine. Black would be fine, or a subtle shade of something. Nobody would think she really had crimson lips, or blue, or whatever.

Eye makeup can also be jolly, but somehow it can also be a problem. I bet a lot of makup-junky women would have no difficulty going to the mall without lipstick, but would be unable to do so without their raccoon eyes caked up. Such eyes are often the exact opposite of what the wearer thinks they are. They are not mysterious, and exotic, and beautiful. They are usually just plaster-like, gross, and creepy.

If you are one of those eyebrow removers who paints on fake ones, just stop it. You're scaring the children.

The worst makeup in my opinion is the crap that gets layered all over the skin in general, be it base, foundation, blush, or whatever the heck it gets called.

A year ago I was in Austria. Generally speaking, the women in Vienna were very stylish indeed, in dress and haircut. They also wore little eye and lip makeup. On their facial skin, it was a different matter. They use much, much more of that kind of thing than anything I've seen in North America. It wasn't an isolated thing at all, but rather the norm.

Somehow, they just weren't looking right at all. It was really bothering me, and I didn't know why for a couple of days, then it hit me. Their faces looked more like store mannikins than they looked like real, live people.

You see, there is a translucent property to real skin that can never be duplicated in a flesh-coloured cosmetic concoction. These women had faces that were perfectly the right colour for skin, but it didn't look like skin at all. Their hands did, and their arms, and legs, and even necks, but it was as if they had pasted manikin faces over their own. Creepy.

Many North American women do the same thing, just not to the same degree. They are painting their skin with things meant to look exactly like the skin underneath, but better. They always fail, as they are only making themselves look less human.

Don't get mad about my observations please. If you like makeup for fun, go right ahead. If you are addicted, and nobody has seen your real face in years, I am sorry for you. If you use cosmetics daily, maybe you are in the later category, rather than the former.

If you are paying $514 a year or more for the crap, then you be crazy.

And if you are one of those bold men blazing the trail into male makeup use, I have one thing to say to you....Donald Trump....